Poor communication is perhaps the most common reason couples offer for their divorce. Many couples divorce with the expectation or hope that they will not have to deal with the other anymore. Unfortunately, for many couples – especially those with children – the need to communicate on some level remains and those problems experienced in the relationship oftentimes remain. In fact, communication post-divorce is sometimes even worse than during the marriage because of bitterness about the way the relationship ended, differences in parenting styles or other factors. This can leave both partners feeling frustrated and drained.
The good news is that the kind of communication needed between divorced partners is very different from the kind needed between spouses. While a marriage calls for intimate communication, divorce and co-parenting call for business-like communication that is focused on concrete and practical issues in the here and now.
Below are 10 tips for establishing and maintaining a constructive communication pattern with your ex.
1) Be careful about relying on each other for any non-parenting tasks. Examples may include home cooked meals, laundry, bill paying, etc… While helping each other out this way may seem convenient, it often serves to keep the boundaries between your marriage and divorce blurred. There are two phases to a divorce – the physical separation and the emotional letting go of the relationship. Frequent unstructured contact may keep you involved emotionally and keep both of you engaged in the same struggles that led to the divorce. Emotional entanglement is just as powerful in divorced couples that continually fight with one another as those who help one another out.
2) Make appointments to discuss issues. Oftentimes trying to discuss an issue on the fly may leave the other parent caught by surprise and put him or her in a defensive position. Try to approach the appointment with a business like demeanor. Have an agenda which is focused on concrete issues and stick to it. Limit your discussions to 45 minutes. Holding a meeting in a public place may help to minimize the liklihood of either of you losing control.
3) Attack the problem, not the person. Divorced spouses are particularly prone to present problems in ways that blame or criticize. Even if you do feel that the other parent is at fault presenting the issue in a blaming fashion will almost certainly lead to a fight instead of a solution. Frame the problem in neutral terms and try to use the word “we” instead of “you”. State that there is a problem and that you would like to find a solution. Contrast the reaction you are likely to get from saying “there is a problem with the kids getting their homework done on Sunday night because they get home so late. How can we handle this?” with the reaction you are likely to get from saying “The kids never get their homework done because you keep them so late Sunday night and don’t try to do it with them”. It’s a good idea to practice stating your concern before the meeting so that you will be sure to use non-inflammatory language. As you practice imagine how you would feel if your ex was saying the same thing to you.
4) Offer suggestions, not solutions. When you mandate a solution you set yourself up as the authority and are bound to draw resistance from your ex. Consider the following example: “There is a problem with Junior getting to bed on time on Sunday nights because he comes home from the weekend dirty and hungry. You will need to start getting him home by 5”. The message that you send here is that the problem is your partner’s fault and will lead to a defensive and argumentative response. Imagine the difference if you instead asked what ideas your ex had to help make sure Junior got his bath and dinner on time. As you talk you can bring up your idea about him coming home at 5. You might also be surprised to learn that your ex has some good ideas on how to deal with this issue.
5) Don’t interrupt. Interruptions only send the message that you don't think what your partner has to say is of value which will almost surely put him/her on the defensive. If you think you might forget a point jot it down for later when it is your turn to talk.
6) Don’t rehearse how you will respond while your ex is talking. You can’t effectively listen and respond at the same time. Even if you think you have heard the same thing from your ex a million times before you owe him/her the same courtesy that you would like to experience.
7) Put yourself in your former spouse’s shoes to better understand his or her point of view. Ask questions, clarify. Make your goal to try to understand your ex’s perspective. Demonstrating to your partner that you truly hear what s/he is trying to communicate makes it all that much more likely that you will receive the same courtesy in return. Putting yourself in his or her shoes also may help you to see the problem in a different light.
8) Offer cues that you are listening. Examples include eye contact, a nod of the head, asking clarifying questions and paraphrasing what was said.
9) Avoid button pushing. You are well aware of what pushes your ex’s buttons and what the reaction is going to be. Avoid doing it, no matter how tempted you may be. Remember your goal is to find a solution, not to “win”. No one wins if you get into an argument.
10) Use disarming tools. If your former spouse goes on the attack don’t yell back, just listen. People find it hard to continue attacking someone who seems to be making a genuine effort to hear him or her. Try to reflect back the salient points that the person is making underneath the bluster. Find a way to offer some support – “You’re a caring parent and I can see how much Junior’s upbringing means to you”.
