Approaches to Mediation
Mediators generally subscribe to one of two different approaches: Evaluative or Client-Centered.
In the Evaluative approach, the mediator acts as a judge or arbitrator of sorts to create a settlement that he or she believes is best for both parties. The advantage of this approach is that it can help to minimize the negotiating that the two parties undertake. The disadvantage of the Evaluative approach is that a third party is making the decisions for you. The mediator's idea of what is fair and appropriate may not be the same as yours.
I believe that you do know what is best for you and that is why I utilize the Client-Centered approach. Within this school of thought the mediator's function is more as a facilitator than as an arbitrator. The downside to this approach is that you may have to work through some tough conversations. The upside is that you leave with a feeling of ownership; it is your agreement that you negotiated in pursuit of what you feel is best for your situation.
Overview
Mediation is a voluntary negotiation process in which a divorcing couple work together with an impartial third party - a mediator - to develop a mutually satisfactory agreement concerning the issues relevant to their divorce.
This negotiating process results in the drafting of a Settlement Agreement which covers everything from division of assets to financial support to coparenting schedules to who gets the kids on which holidays. There is even room for future concerns such as how to fund the kid's college funds.
My role as mediator is to create an environment which encourages an open and constructive exchange of feelings and ideas. This is achieved by putting my 10 + years of experience as a psychologist to work - asking the hard questions, exploring underlying issues that may be causing roadblocks, maintaining a balance of power between the two of you, strategizing with you on ways to break impasses and, most importantly, maintaining a neutral posture. I work for both of you.
Stages of Mediation
There are five steps to the process that I use:
STEP ONE: GATHERING INFORMATION - In this stage we work to obtain both "hard" information - i.e. financial data - and "soft" information - i.e. both parties needs, interests, concerns, priorities and fears.
STEP TWO: FRAMING THE ISSUES - In this stage of mediation all the data collected in stage one is used to identify the areas of agreement and the areas of disagreement. The areas of agreement are entered into the Settlement Agreement.
I then look for ways to frame the areas of disagreement into questions that set the stage for a win-win scenario as opposed to a winner take all scenario. This is where the soft data collected in step one often plays an important role. People often have different reasons for wanting the same thing that are mutually compatible with one another even if it doesn't initially seem that way.
For example, Doug and Susan entered mediation in a bitter dispute about how they would deal with their home. Susan very much wanted to keep the house for her own whereas Doug very much wanted to sell it. Both of them viewed the other's position as blocking them from achieving their goals. During the data gathering section of the mediation it was learned that Susan was very invested in keeping the home because it had high sentimental value to her. Doug wanted to sell the home because he was starting a new life and wanted the equity in the home to start a business. With this new information available the question shifted from "Who gets the house?" to "How can we help Susan keep the home while at the same time finding the resources to help Doug start his new business?" This took the focus off the home and allowed the couple to look at other potential sources of revenue for Doug. They eventually agreed to allow Doug to keep a greater percentage of investment income than they had previously agreed upon while Susan kept the house. Changing Doug and Susan's focus away from the tangible to their intangible needs freed them to look for other solutions that felt comfortable and fair to both.
STEP THREE: DEVELOPING OPTIONS- Many people approach mediation locked into a mindset that there is only one solution to their problem and gridlock sets in. As we saw above in the case of Doug and Susan, predetermined ideas prevented them from seeing that they could utilize other funds to help both of them achieve their underlying goals. Coming up with many different ideas before negotiating helps couples to build a sense of teamwork and minimizes the potential for gridlock.
Thus, the focus of this step in mediation is to develop ideas as a way to change the pattern of thinking. It is the equivalent of brainstorming in business meetings. The goal is to come up with options for mutual gain, as opposed to the I win, you lose option.
STEP FOUR: NEGOTIATION - Generating options and negotiating are two very different activities and it is my job to help you separate the two. This is the stage that most people imagine when they think of mediation - negotiating to find a solution that satisfies all significant interests named in step two. My job in this stage consists of keeping you focused and on track. ensuring that no one becomes abusive, finding ways to help you out of stalemates and, most importantly, making sure that both of you have voluntarily agreed to a given solution rather than giving in or feeling like a victim. Solutions involve compromise of course, but compromise does not mean that it can't be win - win.
STEP FIVE: FINAL AGREEMENT - Your work is done for the time being, but mine continues. In this stage of mediation I write up the agreement that specifically identifies who does what is to be done, when and where it is done and how it is to be done. Upon completion of this document, I present copies of it to you and your attorneys to review for approval before your divorce is finalized by the Court..
